I TRY TO BE POSITIVE…
Anxiety and depression are real! I’m a positive person. I don’t complain for the most part, and I don’t ask for help because I don’t want to be a burden to others. People come to ME for help. I usually share my struggles to help uplift and encourage others. But today is different…
The truth? I live in daily overwhelm and don’t know how to process it. Sometimes I feel like I’m at my breaking point. Like I can’t do anything else and I don’t do anything right. I simply exist.
The last year has been a difficult one (my daddy being diagnosed with and treated for cancer), but if I’m being truthful with myself it started before the last year. It goes back to just after Uriah (our youngest) was born. He was born in June 2015 and not even two months later we found out our renters had left and completely destroyed our house. I’m talking over $60,000 to replace all the flooring, the walls they put holes in, all the electric, the bathrooms, the roof (because they allowed a tree to grow into it and put a hole through it), the windows….Literally everything in our house is brand new except for two fans. We had to move out of my beloved grandma’s house and back to Savannah. It wasn’t what we had planned, but it’s what happened.
After arriving we dealt with the horrible bureaucracy that is the Savannah-Chatham City School system. It was a nightmare having a child with special needs. We (Jac and I) both cried daily. And after two and half years of their mess, three schools, four teachers and them taking her therapies away until they were basically non-existent I made the decision to homeschool.
Months after moving back into our house we had a pipe burst in our floor and flood our house. We made the decision to replace the piping and have it run through the walls instead of the slab to avoid this in the future. That was out of pocket. Then we realized that we were in pretty serious debt so we traded in my car (that I loved) so that we could be debt free. It’s nice not to have car and credit card payments, but I HATE having a tight budget. I hardly buy anything other than food and things the kids need.
We’ve also been trying to sell our RV that just won’t go away. There’s nothing wrong with it, but we’re making payments on something we don’t have time to use or enjoy. (Joe lived in it when he lived apart from us, but as soon as we moved back to Savannah we no longer had a use for it.)
My husband is rarely around. The Army has him leaving the house around 0530 and getting home around 1930-2000 (which is 7:30-8:00 p.m.) We don’t really have date nights unless the grandparents are in town which is anywhere from every 2-3 months. On Mondays and Tuesday he takes Krav classes and he gets home at late, eats dinner, and we don’t go to bed until about 11:00 p.m. We still have to get up at the same time.
And then there are all the things I feel are too personal to share or just not ready to share that I’ve been dealing with and still processing.
I’m drained: emotionally and physically. I cry a lot. Not when anyone is looking of course because I hate crying in front of others. I suck it up and put on a happy face for the world, but on this inside I’m empty. I’m a Christian, but it doesn’t mean I’m immune to any of these things. I’m human.
I’ve battled depression in the past, and I know that I will come out on the other side, but right now, things are difficult.
I honestly don’t know when things will start looking up, but I hope it’s soon. I could really use an emotional break from it all.